Masochistic Friendship
by Zombie Pigeon
Summary: [Shoujo-ai] SakiTouru. Hanajima's feelings for Touru are in no way a new discovery, but after years of silent suffering, she may not be able to hold them in any longer.


Title: Masochistic Friendship  
Author: Nataku's Child  
Archive: None yet...  
Rating: Anou...PG-13? I have no idea...  
Couple: Hanajima SakixHonda Touru  
Time: Um...doesn't really fit anywhere...haven't read the manga yet so...yeah.

Warning/Disclaimer:  
First off, this is obviously a shoujo-ai fic, so if you don't like it, don't read it. I do not own Fruits Basket... if I did, the couples would be all different. Um...what else? I did write the poem thingy, so nothing to disclaim there... I would rather you didn't steal that though...

Enough from me and on to my first (published) shoujo-ai fic!

* * *

**Masochistic Friendship**

_It's not that I don't care  
__It's only that I'm afraid_

"Hana-chan!" her voice calls, bright as the sun that warms my skin.

Even as I turn I know she's smiling. Even before I see her, I know she's running. Running to me... I try not to let it go to my head, but I can already feel the smile creeping to my lips.

She catches her breath when she stops, her cheeks pink from exertion.

"Ohayou, Touru-kun." I say while she's resting.

"Ohayou gozaimasu!" she greets, her eyes closing with the intensity of her smile.

"Oi, Hanajima! I thought you didn't run?" Uotani complains as she catches up with her energetic friend.

I turn from them. It's a bad habit for when I lie, but it's worse for them to see my face. "I got an early start."

Uotani's slightly heavier footsteps are my only warning before she throws an arm around me. "Yeah, it's not like you're trying to avoid us or anything." She laughs, as does Touru...

My timing's a little off.

_When you smile, and I pause before smiling back  
It's not that I'm not glad to see you  
I'm just afraid you'll see what I feel_

The teacher is droning on about ancient history—I think—but my attention dwindles. She is listening intently, however, determinedly taking notes. She wants so much to finish high school... I admire that so much, the way she keeps her promise with such vigor. Her mother was such a large part of who she is... but I suppose she meant a lot to me as well.

She notices me looking at her and smiles warmly. I turn my lips up slightly and turn away quickly, my heart twisting as though I'd been caught. But do I really care anymore? So what if she knows?

_When we speak, and I seem distant  
It's not that I don't like what you're saying  
I'm just too in love with your voice_

The grass smells sweet. It's spring, and the weather is just turning from the cold and snow of winter. What was that she told me once...? "When the snow melts, what does it become?" Spring... it was something one of her beloved Soumas brought up...

"Oi, Hanajima!" Uotani's voice cuts a bit roughly through the pleasantly soft hum of Touru's, and I blink at the intrusion.

"Hm?"

The orange-headed Souma...Kyou? Well, he's looking at me oddly. "Baka yankee, she asked you a question!"

Uotani gave him a good crack on the back of the head for me. "Don't call her that, Neko-suki!"

Needless to say, a fight ensued.

"Gomen, Touru-kun. What was it you asked?" I say, ignoring the fight with a small mental note to thank Arisa for coming to my defense... and being the one to draw my attention.

Touru is smiling. She's forever smiling, but somehow I never get tired of seeing it... Yet at the same time, I long to see it drop. It's not that I wish her to be sad, I just wish she could trust me enough to show it... I wish that it were me that she could come to when she got upset.

"We were thinking about going to see a movie after school." She informs me in her sweet voice. "Can you come? If you aren't too busy, that is..."

I am silent for several moments in indecision. On one hand, I could go... just spending time with her, hearing her laugh, seeing her smile and the occasional blush... But on the other hand, _they_ would be there. Always following her around, passively demanding every second of her attention. Both are obviously falling for her, but she never seems to notice... Then again, she never noticed that I already had... Damn Souma family, nothing but trouble.

She is looking at me expectantly. I can tell she hopes I'll say yes, even expects it, but its nothing more then friendship... I can never have anything more then her friendship. So I turn away. I can't bear to see that smile anymore. How can something be so beautiful one moment, then so wicked another? I hate her for what she is doing to me. But I'm not angry, because I know she doesn't mean to hurt me. Why do poets never add conflict to the facets of love?

"I'm sorry..." I can't look at her. "I have some things to do at home..."

"Oh..."

_It's not that I don't care  
It's only that I'm afraid_

The day moved slowly after that. Why is it that when one is staring at a clock, the seconds are visually longer? I know that what my teacher is saying will eventually be on a test...but I lack the ability to care at the moment. My life feels like the endlessly ticking of that molasses-slow second hand, always moving but only in pointless circles. Graduation nears with every tick, but what after that? Can I really leave here? Before _they_ came into our intimate lives, I had planned on college with Uotani. Not too far, so we could see Touru at least on the weekends. Now I can hardly stand to be near her...but then again, I feel so cold when we are apart. Will it only get worse as time passes?

"Hanajima." I look up in surprise as I'm addressed rather sternly by Ishikawa-sensei. "Would you mind leaving your own world and join the rest of us?"

As the rest of the class laughs, I nod and look away with the appropriate amount of shame. In the corner of my eye I see Uotani's raised eyebrow and Touru's worry. Please don't worry about me... it hurts so much more then you could know...

Class continues and I try to feign attention while actually watching the clock in quick glances. I can't stand to be here, but I will be heartbroken when I have to leave... always conflict...

When the bell finally rings, I take my time getting my things, eager to leave but not wanting to show it. Touru and Uotani stay behind as the rest of the class runs out with the joy of freed prison inmates. I try to keep my eyes off of them but eventually I have to meet her troubled gaze as I stand to leave.

"Hana-chan..." her sweet voice is achingly tainted with worry. "Is something wrong?"

I part my lips but any words I had planned were lost in the shame I felt for making her worry. What right do I have to bring her down? I am not worth her worry. I won't ever be worth anything to her. Why do I even try?

Uotani laughs and throws an affectionate arm around Touru. "She's just pissed that she can't see the movie." She says with a fox-like grin. She steers Touru away from me as she slips a small note into my hand from behind her back. "Don't pout Hanajima, just 'cause you have to study." I watch them leave, not even lifting a hand as Uotani drags a reluctant Touru out of the classroom.

But Touru holds back a beat behind the boisterous blonde and for a split second her eyes touch mine. In that tiny moment, I feel that she can see everything. Past my lies and stolen glances, past my excuses and shifting moods, past even the lies I had told myself.

"Take care," is all she can say before she is pulled from the room.

I stare in shock at the void she left, my body shaking with unbearable vulnerability. Was it as I thought? Could she... No... She could never know, it was impossible... Then why do I feel so raw? My dampened hands tighten and I am reminded of Uo-chan's note. I sit heavily on my desk and open my hand. It is scribbled quickly and messily, but I can still read it.

We need to talk. I'll call you.

"Hanajima?"

I jump and look up, reflexively hiding the note in my sleeve.

Ishikawa-sensei, whom I had forgotten about, stood behind his desk with an old battered briefcase perched temporarily on the desktop. He was serious, as usual, but when he spoke there was a comforting softness that I didn't know he possessed. "Are you alright?"

I nod quickly and grab my bag, feeling almost flustered. Had he seen everything? Or was there nothing _to_ see? I leave quietly, not making eye contact, but I pause at the door when he calls out once again in the same softened voice.

"I know that I'm not easily approachable, Hanajima." I turn to see him look uncomfortable but determined. "But... if you ever need to talk..."

I lock my jaw for fear of all my feelings finally spilling out without control, and simply nod before leaving as quickly as I can without being too obvious.

_When you say goodbye, and I answer off hand  
It's not that I'm angry  
I just hate to see you go_

The sun is hanging in a rather inconvenient place, about eye-level in the sky. My shoes click against the cement as I leave the school behind. It is quiet, everyone being either in clubs or on their way home. My shoulders ease as I bath in my self-made solitude. More and more I feel the need to be alone, away from those boys...the ones that stole everything away from me. Why couldn't they keep their distance? Why were they the ones that were allowed to help Touru? She hated for me to help her, even after her mother died... But she let _them_ help...

My footsteps freeze as I hear that familiar laughter... how I worship that laughter... but why can I hear it? Do I hear it everywhere now? I have mixed feelings about that thought... but no, it sounds real—distant, but real...

I lift my hand to blot out the obscuring late afternoon sun. They are all walking in a group, laughing and messing around. Uotani's got the redheaded one in a headlock while the gray haired one is just smirking. And Touru... never wanting to see people in pain, she is trying to stop Uotani.

She cares so much for them... I always wonder if she would care for me the same way, had she never gotten to know them... but those kinds of questions always lead to more depressing ones, so I try to hold them back until I'm out of public.

Somehow they see me, and Touru smiles and waves happily, momentarily forgetting about the pain of the redheaded one.

My heart wrenches and I turn away. My slow steps come quicker and somehow I'm running. I'm ignoring their calls. The redhead is probably saying I'm weird... And Touru...? She will forget about me once the Prince diverts her attention. My cheeks are slick with wind-iced tears, my eyeliner and mascara are probably adding to the effect. People are staring, I'm sure, but I can't stop.

I hate them, I hate her, I hate myself...

I just want it all to go away...

_When you ask to see me, and I decline  
It's not that I don't want to see you  
I'm just afraid to fall deeper_

It is Saturday, the day after I ran crying. I hid my face on the train ride home and locked my room door as soon as I got to it. My mother is worried because I haven't been out since, but I can't open that door. I can't face it anymore... I know that I won't be able to see Touru again without tears. I know that I can't talk to her again without telling her about my feelings. I am at the end. As soon as she knows, our friendship will be over. I can't ignore her forever... It really is the end...

There is a knock at my door, but I ignore it. I've told my mother many times that I'm not coming out, that I wont even open the door... I don't want to talk to anyone... I just need to be alone...

"Hana-chan?"

Her voice... her sweet, innocent, heavenly voice... she's worried, even a little scared... but it's her. Why is she here? She doesn't care... she has her beloved Soumas, why should she care?

"Hana-chan, it's Touru... can I come in?"

No...please...I can't handle this...

"I need to talk to you... Hana-chan?"

I bring my knees to my chin and shut my eyes. No... you can't do this too me... Why are you torturing me? Please, just leave...

"Hana-chan... I know..."

My heart stops.

"Uo-chan told me... I'm sorry, don't get mad. Please, just open the door."

My knees are weak as walk towards the door, using the wall for support. My heart is beating loudly in my chest, pumping blood even louder in my ears. With pale fingers I unlock the door and fall to the floor as my willpower gives out. I hide my face in my hands as I hear the door open.

Without a word, her arms are around me. I shake uncontrollably with sobs as the embrace I had dreamed of was given with such pitty... but love... I could feel it. Whether it is the love I have longed for or not, I do not know. But what is important is that she cares...she cares about me. My hands leave my face and I nervously hug her back.

She strokes my hair until my tears stop and I finally pull away. I don't want to, but I find myself looking up and into those eyes...those large eyes that I love and fear without admittance to either. She is smiling softly with comfort and a deep understanding that only she could posses. Others may think her dense, but academics aren't who Touru is. She knows emotions, she understands people...it isn't something you can learn, though many try. She knows, without having to be told, what a person is feeling. Though she may not have known my reasons, she always knew that something was wrong... I know that now.

She takes my hand and smiles warmly and I find myself smiling back. I laugh a little in nervous relief. She knows, but she doesn't hate me. I don't have to say more, nor do I have to know more... that is all I need, for now anyway.

"Uo-chan is downstairs. Do you feel up to a day out? Just us three?" Touru asks kindly.

I nod, not trusting my voice.

_It's not that I don't care  
I just care too much_

The End

Author's Note:  
I know, it was crap, but there were just a few things that needed to be let out... mostly, Hana-chan's feelings for Touru! I need to read the manga... But anyway, lemme know what you think, kay? Feel free to yell at me, I can take it... Also, I'm sure there were many mistakes, but I don't have a beta for this so... yeah... sorry.


End file.
